real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
