So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
