just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
