Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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