That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
