Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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