Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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