Betty ford says i'm here all night
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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