My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
