I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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