I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
