Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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