I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
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so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
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Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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