Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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