come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
