That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
