Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
