Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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