apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
