I'm gonna have a badass scar
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
