Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
