also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
