I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
