I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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