There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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