Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
