Life is so much better after having sex.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
