at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
