sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
