Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just want nice things and good sex
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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