its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
