Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
