Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
