I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
