It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
