you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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