Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
