I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
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Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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