Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
