My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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