You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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