I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
