im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
