My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
