if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
