I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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