he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
