Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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