i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
