I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
