I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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