Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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