There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
