How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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