Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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