i just snorted my name. best moment ever
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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