you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
