You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
